SANTA CLAUS AirSleigh DEFICIENCIES SHOULD PRECLUDE HIS IMPENDING FLIGHT IN SPITE OF FAA APPROVAL
Office of the Insouciant General
SANTA CLAUS AirSleigh
DEFICIENCIES SHOULD PRECLUDE HIS IMPENDING FLIGHT IN SPITE OF FAA APPROVAL
Federal Aviation Administration
Report Number: AV
Date Issued: December 19, 2021
Never one to find fault with the FAA, the OIG has issued a very negative report on the FAA’s approval of an aircraft.
The “any contrivance invented, used, or designed to navigate, or fly in, the air” is owned by Mr. S. Claus. A thorough “walk around” by FAA Associate Administrator Nolen reviewed it for airworthiness certification. Administrator Dickson issued a Form 337 for the AirSleigh as an experimental contrivance to be used to fly in the air.
Fortunately the omnipresent OIG staff leapt on the issue and examined the AirSleigh with a critical eye. First, we were unable to find any source of propulsion; we discounted with a “ho,ho,ho” the owner’s assertion that “his coursers are more rapid than eagles”. That’s “droll” responded the inspectors.
More importantly, the inspectors pointed out that the craft lacked any equipage needed to meet current ATO and applicable NextGen requirements. If this sled is to fly, it would have to operate below 400’ during daylight hours, according to the OIG team. There is FAA precedent for such limitations, the Report droned on.
Standard OIG procedure is to ask for replies from the FAA. Secretary Buttigieg submitted the following statement:
“One of the biggest benefits from NextGen is that it helps Santa deliver those presents with improved safety, accuracy and reliability to children who are good for goodness’ sake. We’re proud to say NextGen is bringing Santa Claus to town.”
“Santa’s cockpit display will help improve his situational awareness by showing him and his reindeer flight crew their precise location in relation to other aircraft, bad weather and terrain. NextGen will help make this an extra-safe Christmas Eve.
The sleigh’s onboard systems have been upgraded with state-of-the-art, NextGen technology that will allow Santa One to maintain cruising altitude for as long as possible before making a continuous descent into cities and towns around the world. While maneuvering on rooftops, an advanced, onboard runway safety system will help reduce the risk of incursions between the sleigh and chimneys.
Santa’s reindeer-powered sleigh is already energy-efficient, but the NextGen technologies will further reduce Santa One’s carbon hoofprint. The shorter, faster routings means that Rudolph and the other reindeer will consume less hay, resulting in fewer greenhouse gases.
Unlike any other pilot, Santa has special permission from the FAA to fly thousands of domestic and international short-haul and long-range flights in one night. In keeping with the FAA’s science-based proposal to give pilots more rest, Santa will arrange his flight plan based on his circadian rhythm. Mrs. Claus also assured FAA safety inspectors that she’ll make sure he gets plenty of rest before the flight on Christmas Eve. “
[ quotes’ credit to past FAA Santa Claus announcements.]
Mr. Claus was asked to comment and he turned with a jerk to say, “I know who is naughty and who is nice.”
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